Grief Is Not a Straight Line

You may have heard of the "five stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced these ideas in 1969 through her work with people who were seriously ill and facing death. They were not intended as a checklist that every bereaved person must complete, or as a fixed sequence with acceptance at the end.

Grief is unlikely to follow a pre-determined process. Feelings may overlap, return unexpectedly or be absent altogether. A calm day does not mean the grief is over, and a difficult day does not mean you have gone backwards.

The Dual Process Model: A More Flexible Map

Bereavement researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe grief as a movement, or oscillation, between two kinds of coping. The Dual Process Model does not prescribe a correct route. Instead, it helps explain why attention naturally shifts between the pain of the loss and the demands of living.

Loss-oriented coping

This is the time spent turning towards the loss itself: missing the person, crying, talking about what happened, looking at photographs, visiting a meaningful place, remembering shared experiences or simply allowing the ache of absence to be felt.

Restoration-oriented coping

This is the time spent adapting to a changed life: managing practical responsibilities, learning unfamiliar tasks, returning to work, reshaping family routines, reconnecting socially or finding moments of rest, interest and enjoyment. Turning towards everyday life is not forgetting the person who died. It is part of learning how to live with the reality of the loss.

Why Moving Between the Two Matters

Staying with intense pain continuously can be exhausting, while avoiding the loss altogether may leave little room to process what has happened. For many people, coping involves moving between these two orientations in a rhythm shaped by circumstances, capacity and the demands of each day.

One morning you may feel focused and capable at work. That evening, a familiar song, scent or household object may bring the loss sharply into view. Neither experience cancels the other. Moments of laughter, concentration or relief do not diminish your love, and renewed sadness does not erase the adapting you have already done.

You are not failing, relapsing or moving backwards. You are moving between remembering what has been lost and learning how to live in a world that has changed.

A Gentle Practice

When a wave of grief appears, try asking, "What do I need in this moment?" You might need space to feel, remember or talk; you might need food, sleep, company, a practical task or a short break from the intensity. Both responses can belong within grief. There is no moral value in staying in one mode longer than the other.